Creepy Clowns invade AUB

Tamara Saade & Firas Haidar
Senior Staff Writer & Editor-at-Large

  Over a dozen evil clowns have invaded AUB’s campus over the week of October 31. Members of the AUB community reported sighting frightening beings roaming the campus after dark, attacking their victims with stress balls, hammers, and Math 201 exams.

  The “Creepy Clown” phenomenon first began in South Carolina in late August. It has since then burgeoned all around the world, spreading from Germany all the way to Australia. The American University of Beirut seems to be its latest victim.

  When the first clown appeared on Friday, October 28, it was believed the person involved was just trying to get some AUB Courses/Teachers Guru attention like the Pikachu costumes before him. When the numbers increased and the clowns got violent, AUB security guards proved obsolete against the red-nosed horrors.

  “The situation is dire,” said Nourhan Massikhlahme, secretary of Dean Toufic Lebbos – who hasn’t left the safe confines of his office ever since the pandemic broke out.

   “But desperate times, desperate measures,” added Massikhlahme. “We have recruited a task force of Mimes to handle the situation. We call them the Mimeside Squad.”

  The mimes now patrol the campus to countermeasure the clown insurgents. “                           ,” elaborated Mime Nadir DuGram. “                                ,” he concluded.

  The Squad has so far ridden the campus of four creeps, in the hopes of catching the rest of them before the end of the week.

  AUB students still don’t feel safe, however, as the clown threat has not been dealt with entirely. Although they do not dare to look the harlequins in the eye, students have bombarded social media with selfies with captions like “Creepy Clown trying to slaughter me lmao #FreezeTheTuitionFee #CatsofAUB.”

  It hasn’t all been bad, though, and people like Hadini Lafifini have used the situation to conduct social experiments. “You know how there are very macho guys in this university?” Lafifine asked. “Well, they weren’t scared of me when they saw me dressed as a creepy clown, but started screaming and running when I claimed I was a gay one.”

  Homophobia is but one of topics being researched, with other students, like Mohammad Shaytmelle, comparing victims’ reactions to jesters with hammers and others with USFC candidate lists.

  With clowns still roaming AUB campus freely, vandalizing statues and turning them into clowns themselves, the situation does not seem to be calming down anytime soon. Next to a red-nosed, white-faced statue of Daniel Bliss under College Hall, a graffiti bubble reads: “Oh, come on! Don’t take university so seriously.”

Leave a Reply