Satire: Lebanon Saves the Day for the NBA

Ragheb Raad
Sports Editor

  The lights went out during an NBA game on October 29, 2016, when the Denver Nuggets were leading the Portland Trail Blazers 90 – 85 in the final quarter.

  The crowd quickly started clapping and laughing, with some turning on their phone lights and others taking videos of the rare occurrence.

  Nuggets’ head coach Michael Malone and players quickly called the court’s Mexican janitor, Kaldos Carlo, to check the problem. Although he was moving fairly quickly, some crowd members yelled at him to move faster, expressing racist slurs and slogans like “Trump for President, you know what I mean?”

   A loud scream followed by a slap resonated from the crowd short moments after. A beam of light flashed in their direction to reveal an upset woman, a flimsy man with a red hand mark on his face, and a muscular man between the two.

  “He tried to hit on me,” shouted the woman as she tugged her boyfriend’s sleeve.

  “I swear I didn’t,” stuttered the man as he backed away from the raging bull in front of him. He wasn’t quick enough though, and found himself floating in the air by the force of a tight grip on his shirt.

 The crowd quickly intervened to stop the fight, as the aging security guards cheered from the sidelines, nibbling on their bacon sandwiches.

  “It won’t end here,” panted the willowy man. “I’m going to tell my uncle Abu Skull about you!”

  “Do you know who I am?” said the boyfriend, “One missed call and you’ll disappear from the planet.”

  In the meantime, Carlo had gone off to the neighboring court of the Denver Wings to check whether the power was out there too.

“Turns out they’re nice people,” he said, after speaking to his neighbors for the first time in three years. Carlo worked with the circuit breakers and the lights flickered on. The entire crowd erupted into cheers.

  “Give him a Green Card!” they chanted as he returned to the court.

   The lights quickly went back out, and the crowd slipped back into pandemonium.

  “You’re paying for the wall, Carlo,” the insults resumed.

The sounds of disappointment faded once Carlo noticed the water heater and quickly ran to turn it off. The Water Heater cases were usually the job of his Lebanese friend Khaldoun, who was an expert when it came to power outages. However, Khaldoun had already left to the state of South Carolina where his expertise was needed most after the recent weeks of power outages. Carlo tried calling Khaldoun to ask for his help, but there was no reply.

 To try and salvage the situation, the manager tried calling the Lebanese Embassy to seek their wisdom on the matter, but was unable to get a hold of an employee as they all usually sign attendance and then leave. He then noticed one of them watching the game and asked him for his help. Samer then inspected the court and deduced the problem was much simpler than it seemed: “Turn off the AC.”

 The current then came back on and the game proceeded, with the Trail Blazers winning 115 – 113 in overtime. Following the incident, Khaldoun’s contract was renewed with the Denver Nuggets, who offered him three times his original salary to make sure he stays with them. Khaldoun, the electrician who made it all the way from Riyadeh to the Nuggets, is now a national hero. His story is that of success.

Leave a Reply