Aliens invade AUB Outdoors 2017, Farid captured and interrogated

Firas Haidar & Laudy Issa

Editor-at-Large & Editor-in-Chief

 

The AUB Outdoors team released to the public on Saturday, April 22,  information that will forever change the human race’s perception of the universe. The team announced they had caught an alien.

We have finally made contact.

Outlook was greeted with curious black eyes, plastered against squeamish green skin, staring right at us from behind hot laser beams. It was clear from the very beginning that Farid was learning about us just as much as we were learning about him.

The alien, hailing from a planet that is yet to be revealed, crashed into our atmosphere only to be captured and imprisoned in the Outdoors headquarters. The Outdoors 2017 commanding officers now parade him around the streets on the back of a pickup truck, a victory ride that may not last too long. After all, Farid does not live up to his name: he is but one of many, and they are coming.

First, it was ‘The Void’, which you can still stumble upon near Main Gate. Then, it was crop circles on the Green Oval. The signs were plenty. We are under attack, and preparations are necessary for Outdoors’ Alien Invasion, which Farid disclosed –under immense pressure –is happening at the American University of Beirut on Saturday, May 20, and Sunday, May 21.

Not knowing what to expect, we embarked on our journey to the Outdoors headquarters, hidden away on the third floor of West Hall.

The Outdoors team was focused on containing Farid, gathering as much information as they could on the strange specimen before them. We asked Operating Officer Majd Shidiac to step out and share a few details on Farid, and what to expect from Outdoors 2017.

“What to expect is something out of this world,” said Shidiac. He was especially excited talking about what should “not be a normal stage in terms of creativity;” a collaboration between Outdoors and Redbull.

Even the food, according to Shidiac, is different, as if it came from space, inspired by Shidiac’s favorite hobby: Pinterest. More inclusive games, for kids and adults alike, will be available for everyone to take part in, scattered across the AUB campus during Outdoors. A new addition to the Outdoors program is what’s being referred to as ‘The Quest’, an on-campus treasure hunt that every attendee can participate in.

Unable to resist, we bribed the Outdoors team with off-record information Outlook had gathered over the years, in exchange for a few minutes with Farid. Cozy in our hazmat suits and with sedative guns at our sides, we came in contact with the first extraterrestrial lifeform that this planet has known.

 

How did you get to Earth?

I came here in a space rocket our brightest scientists invented. The journey was smooth until I reached the atmosphere of this so-called Earth. Your damn planet is covered in disgusting gases and horrible, horrile radio frequencies. Do you call that music?
Anyway, I crashed.

 

Where are you from? What’s it like there?

All I can say is that your planet smells nicer than ours. We have methane oceans instead of water. Also, my planet’s color is very silver, more silvery than the most silvery thing you own on this Earth.

 

Why did you come here? What are you after?
The falafel. You creatures might be tasteless in a lot of things, but you have good, what’s it called? Food? Yeah. There are also a few of you who are honest, and we appreciate that.
Oh, we’re also here to steal your Earthly formula. But that’s too advanced for your understanding, puny humans.

Are you hoping to form a club at AUB? Maybe run for elections next year?

Oh, no. We do not believe in elections on our planet. We unanimously elect our best, brightest, and most honest individual to lead the planet. Your system here is alien to us. Do you randomly choose who gets to rule? It makes no sense.

 

Why are you disclosing all this information? Don’t you think you’ve got a lot to lose?

Ha. Lose what? I’ve already signalled my kin. They’ll be here on April 29 at Beirut Souks to begin our preparation. We’ll launch our attack during what you call “Outdoors AUB.” Expect us. You are not prepared.

 

As a measure to prepare for the impending alien threat, Outdoors is now recruiting humans to take part in the revival of their Big Race, also known as the Rally Paper of Outdoors, which will be happening off-campus during Outdoors.

“The world has been invaded by aliens and humans are suffering,” elaborated Serene Habbal, games team leader of Outdoors. “Participants of The Big Race are the only ones who could save our planet and bring peace back to the world by fulfilling a series of challenges.”

Teams can now sign up to participate in the rally paper by following a link Outdoors have been sharing on their social media accounts. “The prize is $3,000 and, most importantly, the survival of Earth as we know it,” said Dana Karout, CEO of Outdoors. “They’re coming. This is a call to arms.”

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