Satire: AUB declares smoking uncool

Lynn Cheikh Moussa
Associate Editor

Amidst a crisis concerning the lack of space in classes, the shortage of professors in departments, and what seems to be an endless array of problems, AUB poses a wonderful solution for a prominent problem that has pestered the university for years: The new smoking ban!

Indeed, the issue of smoking has been a top priority for many years, surpassing issues such as the lack of study spaces within FAS buildings, increase in cafeteria prices, and the sudden disappearance of cats.

What does it matter if sandwich prices go up when there is a bit of smoke polluting our campus?

The installment of this new ban can be compared to, in the simplest terms, the savior of air pollution and lung cancer! Finally, the AUB community has reached a viable solution to such a huge problem: If you can’t convince them, ban them!

The slogan, reading “Health is in, smoking is out” has plastered the walls of AUB as a continuous reminder to all smokers that smoking is no longer a trend, and whoever pursues it is uncool.

Other advantages of this ban are the decluttering of areas within AUB, leaving many clubs homeless. Despite the fact that these smoking areas posed no annoyance, since they were reserved for only specific segments of campus, it comes as a plus to see smokers frustrated and lost.

Yes, the joy of seeing students frustrated strikes twice this semester (the first being the drop & add period)!

“The smoking ban’s great really. Now, instead of getting frustrated over getting capacity in psych courses, I get frustrated over not being able to smoke,” says Lowdy Isa. Isa voices the relief of many students: Stress and worry can now be diverted from more serious issues towards the smoking ban!

Fortunately for many students, this means yet another beautiful opportunity to spend time on Bliss St. and get to know the overflowing garbage bins, swarms of rats, and flooding sewers. This will truly help propagate the campaign in the right direction as it rids students of this lethal substance by throwing them into a mess of health hazards!

However, for students who would like to embrace this as a chance to overcome their vile habit, AUBMC is offering smokers a brilliant smoking cessation program to help lead them towards healthier lifestyles.

This will be a great investment of time and effort and a lovely alternative to having an allocated smoking space where the only real investment is in a packet of cigarettes and a lighter.

This smoking ban can yield only great things for the AUB community. We can only hope that in the future, more initiatives to promoting physical health are taken, such as the banning of soft drinks or snacks for instance.

Maybe one day the AUB cafeteria will be a projection of back caff: A vision of health and a safe space for everyone to engage in group therapy over the sudden changes AUB is implementing. Remember, health is in, smoking is out!

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